Dedicated to all new mothers and mothers-to-be
Whenever people see a pregnant woman the first question they ask her is “when is she due?” They are curious whether she is having a boy or a girl. They wonder about the tiny life developing inside and try to imagine what the newborn will look like. But they are rarely interested in the mother herself, her thoughts, feelings and emotions. What a shame! Pregnancy is quite an adventure.
When I was pregnant I had all kinds of weird feelings and emotions. It reminded me Alice’s journey “through the looking glass”. Everything seemed so unrealistic and distorted. Here is my story.
When I saw a goat in a car
One day I was driving from work to pick up my son from school. As usual, I got stuck in traffic somewhere on the 16th Avenue. All of a sudden, I saw a goat’s head hanging out of a car’s window and grinning at me offensively. I briefly looked at the goat and I swear I also saw a mix of a spider and a pig, sitting next to it and also grinning. Was I dreaming?
Maybe. I was very tired and sleepy that day, and it was just about to rain. Later I figured that the goat was the product of my imagination and in reality I saw a male with a long beard and a creepy look…
Did you notice how our emotional and physical state affects our perception of the reality? When we are in a good mood, everything and everyone seem so pretty.
A pregnant woman goes through emotional ups and downs. Sometimes she becomes unnecessarily fearful and anxious about things that others don’t even notice.
The goat in the car is not the only example. Here is another one. This time my son was with me in the car. He told me that a man is staring at him. Guess what? I immediately assumed that some pervert is looking at my child and I pushed the gas pedal. Shortly after, I started imagining that there are perverts everywhere – driving cars, walking on the streets…
The crime rate in Toronto is relatively low compared to let’s say Moscow or New York. Nevertheless, any time something happens in our city, the media tends to exaggerate the news trying to grab our attention and increase their audience rate. And how does that affect a pregnant lady? After watching or reading these news stories all day long she can easily become restless and even lose her sleep, imagining that there may be kidnappers, terrorists or other bad guys somewhere nearby.
The power of emotions
Emotions can be very powerful and hard to control. Imagine a long day at work, an endless boring meeting. The boss makes a bitter remark about your low productivity. The weather is nasty. You get stuck in traffic on the way home. You are tired. Your child throws a tantrum. You start feeling a snowball of anger building up in your chest. You come home and you see your significant other being too busy to give you the attention you deserve. At this moment all you need is a small trigger so that you could blow off your steam. You find that trigger and you don’t even notice how your anger turns into a rage.
“Rage is a much stronger emotion than anger. When you rage, you lose self control and adrenalin and cortisol prepare you to fight. You heat up and go from zero to one hundred twenty miles an hour in ten seconds in a run-away giant semi. And you are not in control of the wheel. Someone very nasty has the pedal to the metal and ugly things are coming out of the mouth…” Lynne Namka “When Shame Becomes Rage”
Later on, after you get some sleep, calm down and relax, you realize how much you overreacted. You regret the things you said and that you passed your stress onto another person.
There are of course very self-controlled people who never lose their temper and never get angry. Women who experience a sudden change in the hormones levels (during PMS, pregnancy or menopause) are more prone to be short-tempered.
By the way, here are ten great anger management tips from Mayo Clinic which I found helpful.
Beware of the Vampire
Jordan Davis, the author of The Power of Persuasion audio course, says that in order for a person to be believed an emotional connection must be made. Some people make us feel very comfortable and that’s why we trust them. Others don’t. No matter how smart and intelligent someone can be we won’t take them seriously if we find them emotionally draining and annoying (Sheldon Cooper: “I am annoying! Go ahead, say it! I am annoying!”)
This is particularly true when it comes to so called energy vampires.
When we meet them for the first time they may seem nice and charming. They usually try very hard to make a good impression. After a while we start feeling drained and exhausted in their presence and we wonder why.
A pregnant woman, in particular, should beware of energy vampires. They can make her feel dizzy or give her a headache. How do you tell whether a person is an energy vampire? They come in different forms.
Blabbermouths will keep jabbering just to get your attention. 95% of what they say is an endless and aimless story about their own deeds and achievements. There is usually not much logic in what they talk about – they jump from one topic to another and once they finish they make you feel like an idiot because you didn’t get their point.
I once spoke to a guy who was trying to sell me Internet Marketing services. The conversation lasted about 45 min during which I barely managed to say a word. He kept bragging about his business being the top SEO provider in the city. At the end of his pitch, I learned that their services were ridiculously expensive. What a waste of time and energy this was.
Another type is a nagger – someone who is always unhappy for one reason or another and makes a big deal out of every little thing. They tend to micromanage and be in your face with unrealistic demands…
I’ve learnt that one way to avoid the negative effect of energy vampires is to visualize a protective energy shield around yourself. They will keep yelling, yapping or pushing themselves into your sphere, but they won’t be able to cut through your buffer zone in order to drain you of your energy. There is only one problem with this method – to achieve such an effect you need to have a lot of energy to start with, something that pregnant women are usually deprived of.
The light at the end of the tunnel
After I had my baby, I didn’t come out of the house for a few of weeks. Sleep deprivation, lack of sunlight and weakened immune system took its toll – I ended up with some sort of baby blues. On top of everything I was sick for about a month and a half – sore throat, ear pain, cough, the list goes on. The doctor said that I got some nasty virus from my older son and should be prepared to be ill for quite a while. Not a very optimistic prognosis.
Being sick gets me into a vicious circle. Normally a very active person, I start feeling miserable because I have to hold my horses and take it easy. In other words, I need to get lots of rest and don’t do much. On the other side, research has found that when people feel blue it affects their immune system and slows down the recovery process.
The best remedy for depression
Once I started getting some sleep, taking walks in the park and exercising I felt rejuvenated … both physically and emotionally.
Later I discovered that our pain tolerance can be controlled. It depends on our mood and energy level. The more energy we have the easier it is to deal with sickness and pain.
I decided that if I ever start feeling sick again I will pretend that I don’t feel it or try to convince myself that I am getting better the next day. Surprisingly, this works better than any medicine.
Sheril Sandberg, Facebook’s CEO, once wrote in her “Lean in” book: “When I don’t feel confident, one tactic I’ve learned is that it sometimes helps to fake it… I discovered this when I was an aerobics instructor in the 1980s… Influenced by the gospel of Jane Fonda, aerobics also meant smiling solidly for a full hour. Some days, the smile came naturally. Other days, I was in a lousy mood and had to fake it. Yet after an hour of forced smiling, I often felt cheerful.”
When you are sick, tired and depressed, it takes a lot of willpower to stop sulking and start feeling good about yourself and the surrounding world. One thing that pregnancy does is that it takes away a lot of energy from the mother to build a new life inside her. No wonder pregnant ladies are always tired, sluggish and clumsy. During journey through nine month of pregnancy, I was half asleep most of the time and ended up dropping a lot of mugs and dishes…
Once the baby is born (or perhaps, a few months later) we slowly start getting our energy back. All of a sudden, we find ourselves being much more efficient and productive. We become the queens of multitasking – changing diapers, cooking, breastfeeding, seeing doctors, picking kids from school, taking them to sports classes, posting on Facebook, writing blogs… This is actually the happiest time of our life.
